


Some things don't disappear

by just_another_exhausted_fangirl



Series: Some things don't disappear [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Merlin, M/M, Modern AU, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-12 11:18:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7100971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_another_exhausted_fangirl/pseuds/just_another_exhausted_fangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin moves to London to live with his uncle Gaius after Freya was shot and killed. He starts working at Camelot Company and makes new friends.<br/>But he's still mourning and doesn't know how to deal with it.<br/>Arthur starts falling in love with him, but he soon realizes he doesn't know him as well as he thought...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Camelot Co.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin starts his new job and Arthur is a prat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to try some Merthur...  
> Will I be able to update two fanfictions at the same time? We'll see! 
> 
>  
> 
> ...this was a mistake wasn't it

The doors opened to Camelot Co. as its workers surged into their offices. Uther Pendragon, the owner of the company, sat down at his desk and turned on his computer. The sun shone on the screen in such an awkward angle that he could see every oily fingerprint and piece of fluff.

Very annoyed, he pressed a button and waited for his son’s voice to answer.

„Yes, Dad?“ the young man asked from the other end.

„Arthur, my office hasn’t been cleaned last night! Can you explain to me what was so important that could’ve had you forget to tell the cleaning staff such basic information?“ he yelled.

The man on the other end sighed. „I’ll send someone up there right now.“

Uther nodded. „You better.“

* * *

 

Arthur hung up and groaned. He hated working here, even if it hadn't been his very moody father who was his boss. Working at a desk just didn’t suit him. He loved to be out in the open, going for a BBQ with his best friends or just gazing at the clouds while lazily lying in the green grass.

He picked up the phone and called Gwen.

„Arthur!“ she exclaimed happily, „What’s up?“

„I’m sorry I don’t have better news but my father’s really angry ’cause I forgot to tell you yesterday to clean his office,“ he said apologetically.

She just tsked and hung up. He knew she was pissed, he would’ve been too.

He longingly looked out of the window. The building was situated right next to the woods, which is where everyone sat while eating their lunch. Even when the weather was terrible, they still went outside to stretch their legs after sitting for more than four hours straight. But a quick glance to the clock told him he wouldn’t be able to get out there for another hour. More of the same then.

* * *

 

Merlin gathered all his courage and walked through the ostentatious gates of the tall building before him. This was going to be a new start. A better life.

The foyer was just as impressive and as boastful as the entrance. Uther Pendragon was obviously very rich and eager to show that to everyone who dared enter his kingdom of offices.

„Can I help you?“ called a melodic voice from behind him. He turned around and stared right into the beautiful blue eyes of a black-haired woman.

„Uh, yes. I’m new. I’m supposed to meet up with...“ He fumbled around in his backpack to find the letter, „Arthur Pendragon.“

A warm smile crossed the secretary’s face. „Yes, of course. I’ll show you to his office. Gwaine, if you please could take over for a few minutes!“ she shouted towards the back room.

A bearded man with long hair stepped out of it and eyed Merlin up. „Who’s that then, Morgana?“

She turned around and and tucked a strang of hair behind her ears. „Yes, what’s your name? I’m sorry I forgot to ask.“

Merlin smiled brightly. „Merlin Emrys,“ he stated and extended his hand. The two shook it.

„So, Merlin,“ Gwaine said with a grin „You're new here, then? What department?“

„Security. You know, looking at camera footage all day and fixing broken ones.“ It wasn’t the job Merlin would’ve preferred but the idea of sitting alone in a dark room appealed to him. No one around to see his face and he didn’t have to hide anything from anyone for a few hours.

„Sound fantastic,“ Gwaine responded dryly. „Have fun with Arthur, he’s a _really_ nice guy.“

„Don’t listen to him,“ Morgana laughed, „My brother has a good heart, once you get to know him better.“

‚Her brother? She doesn’t seem as pratty as her father though.’ He'd only met Uther once, for the job interview. It had been so terrible that he couldn’t believe they’d actually given him the job.

* * *

 

„So, who works here?“ he enquired when they entered the lift. ‚Way to go Merlin, that’s how to make conversation.'

Morgana seemed amused. „A lot of people. Have you seen the building?“ But then she told him who worked on his floor. „So, there’s Arthur, of course. Lancelot, Elyan, Leon and Percival work on the computers. They’re lovely guys. Gwen does all the cleaning, she’s got the biggest heart I know. So, no need to worry about the team.“

„Thank you,“ Merlin said and felt like a bit of weight had been lifted from his chest, „but I’m not gonna see them much, am I? I mean, as far as I know, I work alone in a small room for eight hours...“

„Not at all, everyday at twelve we go out into the forest for about two hours to eat lunch together. You should join us,“ she explained. She was obviously really looking forward to it.

„Alright I guess,“ he gave in. He didn’t like being around other people. He always felt like he couldn’t breathe, felt like if he would meet their gaze, they would ask him too many questions. Morgana seemed to be sensitive enough to understand his silence because she stopped asking.

When they arrived on the 12th floor and got out, Merlin nearly bumped into a pretty, dark-skinned young woman who was pushing a cart with cleaning supplies. She blushed instantly and apologized until she realized that she’d never seen him here before.

„Oh, good morning! Who are you?“ Morgana smiled and told her who he was but pushed him towards the end of the hallway. „I’m sorry Gwen, you can meet him later. We’re already late,“ she shouted over her shoulder. Gwen waved at Merlin before turning away.

* * *

 

Arthur looked up, when his office door suddenly opened and his sister and a lanky young man entered the room.

„I’m bringing you Mr Emrys from security,“ she declared and winked at Arthur. He grinned and said, „Thank you, you may go.“ Morgana bowed mockingly and left.

„Don’t worry, that was just an inside joke from me and my sister,“ he explained quickly when he noticed the other man’s confused look. „Can I call you Merlin? We usually do first names here,“ he added and Merlin nodded. He seemed very nervous and Arthur didn’t understand why. He got the job for sure, there was no need for jumpiness.

“So, Merlin, I’ll show you your office in a moment, but before let me explain your job to you…” And then he started to talk monotonously about where the different cameras were, how to act in case of an emergency, about work times and a lot of other things that Merlin was sure, he had repeated at least a thousand times before today.

He started to drift off to another place. In his mind, he was back home, in the living room. _Freya had just made pancakes and called him to the table._

_He smiled and kissed her softly. „Breakfast is the best dinner,“ she giggled. Her long brown hair smelled of strawberries when he buried his face in it. „I love you so much,“ he whispered._

_„Mer_ lin? Are you even listening to me?“ Arthur impatiently waved a hand in front of his face and seemed a little angry.

„Yes, of course,“ he responded and hoped the other one wouldn’t ask more questions.

Arthur just tsked and rose. „I’ll show you to your office now. You need to be more attentive or I’ll sack you before you can say sorry.“ Merlin’s heart sank into his boots and he could feel the tears swelling up behind his eyes. ‚Thinking about her won’t bring her back,’ he thought bitterly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :D  
> Let me know if I used some of the words incorrectly, English isn't my first language and I'm always eager to learn.


	2. Other People's Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwen and Morgana drag Merlin to a clearing to eat lunch with him. He gets introduced to many people, which all seem to be way too happy for Merlin's taste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!  
> I know, introducing characters is SO boring but please bare with me...

The security office was as dark as Merlin had expected it to be. The only light came from the fifteen monitors – one for each floor – and bathed the room in a silver blue light. A single chair was situated in front of the long and slender desk.

“You can of course keep the door closed, but there’s really no need. There’s no one walking by here anyway and you need to check the screens at all times. If someone steals something or whatever, we'll call you so you can show me the tape. They will be stored for a month before being deleted automatically. Also, if one of the cameras break, this warning light here-“ he tapped a small green button, “will flash red.”

“I think I’ll be fine,” Merlin said quickly before Arthur could lose himself in more endless explanations.

He nodded and started to leave, but turned around before exiting the room.  
“Welcome to the 12th Floor Team, Merlin.”

Merlin sat down at the desk and stared at the flickering monitors, squinting at the one that was titled ‘12th floor’.

Two men, one very muscular, the other one handsome with wavy hair, were sitting in front of their computers, not really doing their work but rather attacking each other with paper balls. They laughed.

The picture changed to the hallway camera. Gwen was polishing door handles.

Arthur’s office. He entered the room just as the camera turned on and walked towards the window. He looked at the view, then at the clock and then at the view again.

Merlin had to admit that the boss' son was a very handsome man. He was a bit jealous of him. Straight blond hair, wide shoulders and stunning blue eyes.

 _“Oh Merlin, your eyes are the colour of the sky!”_ Freya exclaimed. He tried to push the memory away at first, but eventually he let it consume him. She was gone, and he knew he had to move on. He just didn’t want to. These memories were the only thing left of her, the only thing in a way still keeping her alive.

Someone knocked at the door and he hastily brushed the tears from his cheeks.  
“Yes?”

Gwen opened the door looking at someone he couldn’t see yet. He heard giggling and she and Morgana entered the office.

“Merlin!” Gwen smiled, “It’s lunch time. Come sit with us.”

Morgana nodded. “Yeah, c’mon! We don’t bite. You can’t sit in here all alone all day, am I right?”

She wasn’t right, in Merlin’s opinion, but he didn’t resist when the two excited women dragged him out of the dark room towards the lifts.

The bright white light that flooded the hallway blinded him for a second and he groaned. “I think I’ll keep the door open in the future. This is torture!” he grumbled.

Gwen nodded. Now that he saw her from up close, he noticed that she had freckles. His own skin was pale and boring.

‘Stop it with the jealousy,’ he reminded himself.

When the lift doors just started closing, they heard a loud “Hold them!” from the offices and four men came sprinting towards them.

Morgana squealed and repeatedly pressed the button that closed the doors, but they were too fast. Everyone around here was behaving like children.

The muscular man grabbed the door and held it open, leaning against it like he was about to say _draw me like one of your French girls_. “Too slow, Morgana,” he stated with an evil grin.

Then his gaze fell on Merlin and he furrowed his brows in confusion, before his features quickly changed into a hesitant smile. “And you are?”

“Merlin,” he said nervously. He didn’t like how crowded the small cabin had suddenly become.

“He works in the new security room,” Morgana quickly jumped in when she noticed the overwhelmed look on his face.

“I’m Percy,” the man from before extended his hand and Merlin took it.  
“Elyan. This here is Lance, and the quiet one is Leon,” the dark-skinned man introduced everyone.

“Elyan’s my brother,” explained Gwen from behind Merlin.  
“Oh,” Merlin simply said. There was no way in hell he could memorize all their names.

* * *

 

They’d been walking for about thirty seconds towards the forest when a voice exclaimed behind them, “Wait for me, you gits!”

It was Arthur. He wheezed and rested his hands on his knees. He caught up with Morgana and walked with her. “Morgause will be joining later. She’s in a meeting,” Merlin heard him say to his sister.

“Who’s Morgause?” he asked and turned to Gwaine. The latter grinned widely and whispered, as if it was some kind of big secret, “Morgana’s girlfriend. Uther doesn’t know.”

It was supposed to be joy that filled Merlin’s stomach but it was only ice-cold sadness he felt. He cleared his throat to force down the tears, for the third time today already.

Gwaine looked him over with a strange look on his face. “You alright there, Merlin?”

He twitched slightly and smiled mechanically. “Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

* * *

 

When they arrived at the fireplace, Merlin was completely stunned with how beautiful it was. The trees around the flowery meadow formed a nearly perfect circle, the sunlight beaming right upon the cold ash.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” Lance stepped next to him. “Gwen found it one day and we’ve never missed a day coming here since.”

“You like her, don’t you?” Merlin asked when he saw the man’s dreamy smile.

Lance nodded. “Of course. She’s my girlfriend after all.”

"Is everyone in a relationship with each other around here?"

He patted Merlin’s shoulder and said something about how his girl would come.

And again, he found himself fighting the tears. He rubbed the aching round scar on his chest, hidden under the layers of clothing he was wearing, and followed his new friends to the middle of the clearing.


	3. Azure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur likes Merlin, but Merlin likes blood.
> 
> (A.N.: Okay, so I'm going through my older works, and what the hell kind of summary is that. Get yo shit 2gether jfc)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for self harm I guess as if it wasn't obvious

Arthur looked at Merlin, who was chatting with Gwaine. Why had he not noticed before how handsome the newbie was? He had beautiful full lips and high cheekbones you could probably cut yourself with, if you tried to slap him. Not that he wanted to.

“He’s quite handsome, am I right?” Leon jolted his his side with his elbow. “Shut up, Leon,” Arthur shushed him, “he might hear!” – “Oh my, you fancy him already?” – “Shut UP!”

Merlin watched the two men opposite him pushing each other and rolled his eyes. He had run into a group of children. But for some reason, a laugh escaped his lips and some of the weight seemed to be lifted off his shoulders. He had missed this – being silly, just for the sake of it.

Gwen and Lance were quietly talking to each other, faces close together, when a blonde woman sidled up to them and surprised them both with a bloodcurdling scream.

“My god, Morgause, you scared the shit out of me!” shouted Lance, hand clutching his chest.

Morgana quickly got up and threw her arms around her lover’s neck. Merlin looked away before they kissed so he didn’t have to witness it, but the memories still consumed him once again.

Someone had started a fire and Merlin had to move due to smoke blowing directly in his direction. He was now sitting next to Arthur.

“So, are you all settled in, Merlin?” Arthur tried to make conversation. The other one nodded but didn’t really pay attention. He was just staring into the flames, probably thinking of something entirely different.

“You _really_  need to learn, how to pay attention,” Arthur bantered, trying to lighten the mood. Everyone else was joyfully chatting away, but Merlin seemed to be immune to happiness.

Finally, he turned to Arthur. “I do that at work. This is my free time where I don’t have to listen to you.”

He gasped and feigned being hurt. A faint smile crossed Merlin’s lips and a warm feeling spread in Arthur’s stomach.  
‘You look so good when you smile,’ he almost said, but was able to hold himself back just in time.

Elyan was starting to throw vegetables and sausages for everyone on the grill and Morgana distributed pieces of bread.

Arthur explained that every Friday, they decided who was responsible for the food in the following week.

Merlin nodded but it was obvious he hadn’t been listening. Arthur was starting to question his father’s choice of giving him the one job where attention was the most important.

* * *

 

Another hour had gone by, and everyone was munching on their lunch except for Merlin.  
“Merlin, aren’t you hungry?” Gwen scooched closer to him and solicitously handed him some red pepper and bread.

He just sighed. “Not really.” She laid her arm around his shoulders and stared him straight into his eyes, which made him so uncomfortable that he had to lower his gaze after just a few seconds. She opened her mouth to say something, when Gwaine suddenly shouted, “Shit, two hours are over, let’s go back!”

“Do me a favour, Merlin, please eat this,” Gwen ordered and suddenly remembered Merlin of his mother. He gave her a thin-lipped smile and nodded. He didn’t have any appetite at all, but she was right; he had to keep his strength.

* * *

 

At eight precisely, Merlin rose from his chair, threw his bag over his shoulders and left the office. At the lift, he met Percy and Lance. They were gossiping about some costumer that just kept calling with the same problem over and over again.

“…just stopped right then and there, but you know, he’s a patron after all, so… Oh, hi Merlin.” Lance rested his elbow on Merlin’s shoulder and continued talking to his colleague until the lift arrived.

* * *

 

Arthur was walking nearly home when he spotted his nearly-neighbour Gaius who was walking towards him. He lived just about five houses down the street.

Gaius eagerly shook Arthur’s hand, “Oh, Arthur! I trust you’ve met my nephew Merlin today – he’s living with me for a while.”

“That’s your nephew? Yes, of course I have. We work on the same floor,” Arthur told him and blushed slightly. How convenient it was that they lived so close to each other! “But enough about that, how are you?” he asked the elderly man.

“Oh, very good, very good indeed! It’s not so lonely anymore. And I have to say, Merlin is extremely helpful. He does all my chores when I work downstairs in the pharmacy.”

Arthur couldn’t help but smile widely. This day just continued to get better and better.

“Well, invite me to coffee sometime, alright?” he told Gaius and continued his walk home. He was beaming with joy, almost skipping. He thought of Merlin’s blue eyes as he stared at the cloudless sky. Yes, that was the exact colour.

Merlin, the man with eyes like the colour of the sky.

* * *

 

Gaius looked at his beloved nephew sitting opposite him, slowly eating his stew. He had grown so quiet since the accident. He still remembered when Merlin used to be a boy, how he would seek advice from him for every problem he had, no matter how small or insignificant.

_“Uncle Gaius, I wanted to make tea with nettles but now it stings so bad!” – “I stepped on a beetle! He’s dead now! I killed him, uncle Gaius, I killed him!” – “Gaius, there’s this girl in my class… she’s so pretty and so perfect, and her hair is just amazing, you know like in on of those shampoo commercials…”_

“How was your first day, Merlin?” he asked carefully and was incredibly glad when he saw his face light up.

“It was really good! Everyone’s so nice to me, like I’ve worked there for years. We eat lunch in the forest, imagine that. Morgana brought food for everyone and we had a nice BBQ…” He went on and on about his colleagues, making his uncle laugh many times.

But at eight thirty, when Merlin went to the bathroom and locked the door, his smile crumbled. He grabbed a towel and buried his face in it. 

He jumped into the shower, holding a sharp piece of metal in his hand. Was he really doing that again? Hadn't he sworn time and time again that he’d stopped?

But there was no helping it. His shoulders heaved from silent sobs and he felt the cold bite of metal on his hip. The bathtub went pink and the cuts stung under the running water.

And then finally, his tears stopped. A familiar panic rose in his chest – what if they bled through his shirt, what if someone noticed? But it was a thousand times better than missing her.

His shoulders relaxed and he leaned his head back. Without looking, he moved the blade up to his arm and dragged it deeply across the skin. Although it hurt like hell, it was almost scary how deep he could go – how deep he let himself go.

‘That’s enough. Please stop. Enough! _ENOUGH_!'

He couldn’t. Every time he came to a halt, he could feel the bullet in his chest again, the excruciating pain that seemed to rip the upper part of his body open.

He only got out when Gaius knocked on door to complain about the waste of water. He bandaged his left arm and went to bed. He didn’t dream of Freya that night.


	4. Cameras

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin finds himself hyperventilating in front of Lancelot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW blood

Gaius was already in the pharmacy when Merlin came down for breakfast. His shorts rubbed painfully against last night’s mistakes, which caused him to walk stiffly so movement was kept to a minimum.

He grimaced when he bumped into the edge of the table. Hoping he hadn’t reopened the cuts, he hobbled to the fridge and poured some milk into a mug. His hands were shaking so hard that it slipped out of his hands and shattered on the floor.

For a good minute he just stood there, staring at the milk and sharp porcelain shards on the floor, anger boiling inside his stomach. He wanted to scream but contained himself and dropped to his knees to clean up the mess.

He skipped breakfast and ran up the stairs to the bathroom, not caring about the pain anymore.  
    ‘Great, now I need to shower _again_ ,’ he thought frustrated. Talk about waste of water.

* * *

 

At least he didn’t miss the train. In fact, he left the house so early that he even had to wait on the platform for a good 15 minutes. The sun was shining brightly and the temperature had already climbed past 20°C.

‘Why can’t it be cold? I can’t wear a t-shirt around the others.’ Maybe he should just stay inside today - and every other day it was hot.

Suddenly, someone tapped on his shoulder. Merlin turned around. Arthur was standing there, fantastic mood and a bag of food in his hand.

“Is it your turn with lunch today?” Merlin asked politely after a few seconds of awkward silence.

“Indeed it is,” Arthur replied happily. He was glad that Merlin had said something, because his mind had just gone blank as soon as he'd faced him. He’d gotten lost in his beautiful eyes for a moment. “It’s gonna be skewers today. You’re not vegetarian, are you?”

Merlin shook his head. He seemed to be much more focused than yesterday.

“Did you do something yesterday evening to relax after a hard day of work?” It was just after the words had left his tongue that Arthur realized how weird the question sounded.

But what was even weirder was the other one’s reaction; guilt and sadness crept upon his face and he shrunk backwards.

In an instant, he was back to his old self – or at least to the Merlin that Arthur knew. Shy, self-contained and quiet.

He said something about a relaxing long bath, but Arthur felt that something wasn’t right.

They sat down opposite each other in a free compartment. Their waggon was empty except for and old lady who was talking loudly with someone on the phone.

Merlin could _taste_ how badly Arthur wanted to ask him about last night.  
    The question had surprised him and his lie was accordingly bad. He’d went all nervous and couldn’t think straight. The grief had hit him like a brick wall.

“Are you alright?” There it was.

“Yes, of course I’m alright,” he scoffed, cursing his stupidity. “I’m just tired.”

Arthur furrowed his brows, questions burning on his tongue – Merlin obviously _wasn’t_ well – but he kept silent after that. Perhaps he’d just gotten out on the wrong side of the bed.

* * *

 

Although the train had been practically empty, Victoria Station was as crowded as always. People surged toward the exits like fish toward bread.

Merlin ducked his head and stared to the ground, letting Arthur’s shoes guide him through the underground station. His heart was flattering and beads of sweat started forming on his forehead.

The tube was busy, too. He grabbed the pole so firmly that his knuckles whitened. Arthur noticed but bit his tongue. _Wrong side of the bed._

* * *

 

Merlin was unspeakably grateful when he was finally alone in his office. He took his jumper off and rewatched last night’s tapes in fast-forward. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened, so he went back to his usual task – staring at the monitors. 'Uther is very paranoid.' 

The silver light shone on his bare arms. The aggressively red cuts stood out against the otherwise white skin and he traced them with his fingers, thoughtlessly picking at the scabs.

When he suddenly realized what he was doing, the damage had already been done. His fingers red with blood, he leapt to his feet, breathing erratically, hands searching for a tissue.

But, of course, he didn’t have any on him, so he wiped them on the inside of his jumper and opened the door to the hallway. It was empty, so he sprinted to the restrooms and locked himself in a stall.

Luckily, the cuts weren’t bleeding heavily so he half-heartedly wiped them with toilet paper until they stopped spilling scarlet.

* * *

 

“I’ve called her four times now! Does anyone know where she’s at?” Lancelot exclaimed annoyed, waving his phone around.  
    He was looking for his girlfriend, of course.

“Can’t you just wait till lunch? It’s only an hour away,” complained Percival, focused typing something on his computer.

“No, it’s urgent…” Lancelot huffed.

“Ask Merlin. He can see everyone, right?”  
    Lancelot turned around, hitting his forehead, “LEON! You’re a bloody genius!” and ran to the security office.

“Merlin,” he called carefully and knocked at the open door, “can I just quickly look for…” The room was empty.

He furrowed his brows and looked up and down the hallway. No trace of the lanky man.

“Merlin?” he called again, louder this time, but still no answer. His gaze fell on the 12th floor monitor and his heart skipped a beat. The camera showed Merlin washing his hands in the sink, the water draining off was dark. Was that… blood? But before he could get a closer look, the picture skipped to Arthur’s office.

He cursed and headed for the toilets. It couldn’t be blood, could it? Maybe he just had a nosebleed.  
    But his gut told him something was very, very wrong.

‘Why isn’t it coming off?’ Merlin started to panic. Someone could walk in anytime, seeing his bloody fingers.

And, of course, that was exactly what happened. The door opened and a worried Lance stepped into the restroom.

Merlin drew back instantly, terrified.  
    “Merlin, what happened?” shouted Lancelot and was immediately by his side. But Merlin couldn’t hear him.

His breathing started to get faster and faster, until he was gasping for air. He could he hear blood pumping in his ears and his arms started to feel numb.

 _It was too dark. Why didn’t the streetlights work?_  
_Freya squeezed his hand and giggled, “I’m gonna protect you from the big bad darkness.”_

 _Merlin snorted and squeezed back. “I can take care of myself,_ mother _.”_

_But they had only made a few steps when someone appeared in front of them. He’d been hiding behind a dumpster._

_“G-Give me your money if you value your life,” he stammered and pointed a gun at them. Freya let out a terrified gasp, and Merlin stepped in front of her protectively. This was obviously the robber’s first time._

_“Give me the gun,” Merlin demanded in a calm, steady voice, “and we won’t call the police on you.” It even sounded a bit threating and Merlin was quite proud of himself._

_The young gunner stumbled backwards and accidentally pulled the trigger._  
_He felt as though someone had punched him the chest – the air was violently pressed out of his lungs. He looked down. The red spot on his shirt grew bigger and he felt warm blood running down his stomach._

“Merlin!”  
    Just like that, he was back, tears on his cheeks and blood on his fingers. Lance was grabbing his shoulders, an anxious look on his face.

“What happened?” Merlin whispered with a lump in his throat.

“Merlin, what the fuck is going on?" He struggled to his feet and pushed his friend’s hands away.

“Sorry, I was… er...” But he had no idea what to say. What could _possibly_ make this right? He finished washing his shaky hands and leaned against the sink.

“Let’s go back to the office,” Lance recommended. Merlin just nodded, his thoughts racing. He could’ve explained the blood, but how on _earth_ was he going to account for the flashback?

Lance couldn’t find out. He just _couldn’t_. He wouldn’t burden him with his problems, there was no way.


	5. Lancelot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin tells Lancelot a bit about himself and gets invited to a film night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Writing fanfiction makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, anyone else get that?)

“Sit down.” Lance pushed the chair towards him and levelled with Merlin after closing the door.

“So, are you gonna tell why you were washing blood off your hands?” he asked with concern in his voice, his eyes filled with so much sadness that Merlin guessed, his friend already knew why. He still chose not to tell the truth.

“I had a nosebleed.”

But his voice was weak, trembling – he knew how obviously untrue his fabrication sounded.

“Jesus Christ, you’re sweating!” Lance suddenly noticed and wanted to help Merlin out of his big blue jumper.

Merlin went pale, jumped up so fast that the chair was sent flying backwards and shouted “NO!”

Taken aback, Lancelot rose and put up his hands to show his friend that he wasn’t going to try anything. ‘What the actual _hell_ is going on?!’ his head screamed in worry, but being honest, he already had a suspicion.

“You at least gonna tell me why you hyperventilated?” he pushed.

Merlin slowly shook his head and his gaze fell to the ground. Lancelot saw his chance and was by his side immediately, pulling up his sleeves.

They both froze.

“Merlin,” Lancelot attempted, but he didn’t dare to continue. The atmosphere felt so tense that he feared any wrong word could shatter it completely.

“Who else knows?” he tried.  
 

Merlin’s bottom lip trembled. “No one.”

Lancelot observed every of his opposite’s move and expression carefully to be ready for anything. “No one? Merlin, that’s not very healthy. You need to talk to _someone_ about this.”

A feeble smile stretched upon the man’s face. “I’m doing it now, am I not?”

Lancelot forced his gaze away from the deep, red gashes on Merlin’s arms up to his face and tried again, “What happened, Merlin?”

His lips parted, but no sound came out.

“You don’t _have_ to tell me, but I think it’ll help to get it off your chest,” Lancelot said and squeezed his hand in sympathy. And then they finally fell, the tears; like rivers they made their way down Merlin’s cheeks.

“My-My girlfriend d-died last year,” he stammered between sobs.

Lancelot was lost for words, his brain still trying to process the information. For a long time, they both sat there in silence.

He desperately wanted to say something to make it right, to make Merlin feel better, but he didn’t find the right words. He knew how he would feel if something happened to Gwen, but he couldn’t _imagine_ …

“How did it happen?” he eventually asked, instantly cursing himself for being so insensitively direct.

But Merlin seemed to have calmed down a bit. His tears had run dry and his breathing started to even. The only remainder was the fear in his eyes.

“We got home from the cinema. To get to our front door, we had walk through a small alley. That night, the lights didn’t work and I _knew_ we shouldn’t go through there, I _knew_ something bad was going to happen!” His hands were interlocked, his fingernails clawing into his skin. “An armed man stepped out of the shadows and demanded money, but he was so _nervous_. I tried to calm him down to take the gun from him, but he accidentally shot me.”

Lancelot flinched, but did his best to keep his questions to himself.

“I was bleeding so heavily and everything went black but I could hear her _scream_ , Lance, she screamed her lungs out.” Merlin was suddenly whispering. “And then there was another shot and…” Merlin’s voice broke. It was a while until he spoke again.

“They told me at the hospital. I got sent to a trauma therapist for a few months and moved here to live with my uncle to get some distance from what had happened and for a while, that worked, but a couple of months ago it all started to come crashing down again.”

When he finished, his words still hung in the air and left a sour taste in his mouth. He was thankful for Lancelot’s silence. He couldn’t hear any more _I’m sorry_ s or _My condolences_.

“It’s time for lunch,” Merlin commented after another minute of silence.

Lancelot looked up and grabbed the other one’s wrist. “She wouldn’t want you to do this. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, but you’re only damaging yourself and thus hurting everyone around you, Merlin. Come to me – or anyone you trust – next time, understood?”

Merlin nodded and Lancelot relaxed, letting go of his arm. “Let’s go then.”

* * *

 

Gwaine threw a hot dog at Percival’s head and laughed. Leon sighed and rolled his eyes. “If you could please – No, Gwaine, _listen_! – stop it!” he tried. Percy got up and walked towards Gwaine, trying to be intimidating. 

“Merlin, did you want a one, too?” Gwen asked and offered him a sausage. He nodded thankfully and took a big bite.

His head was still buzzing with the events from an hour ago, but the laughter of his friends, the warmth of the fire and the food in his stomach made him so happy that he couldn’t help but smile.

Lancelot noticed that and patted his shoulder with satisfaction before joining his girlfriend at the fire.

“So, _Mer_ lin, was work any good this morning?” Arthur's voice sounded from his right.

He turned his head and sure enough, the blond man had sat down next to him.  
    “Same old, same old,” he quipped with a grin.

Arthur gathered his courage and asked, “So, I wondered: Me, Gwaine, Morgause and Morgana are binge-watching _Lord of the Rings_ tonight at Morgana’s. Care to join us?”

Merlin was slightly baffled but also very honoured. He didn’t expect people to care for him so much to actually _invite_ him. But his joy was soon sobered. Nights were the worst time for him to be around anyone.

Arthur noticed his change in mood and hit him playfully. “C’mon! It’ll be great!”

Eventually, Merlin gave in. _A new start_.


	6. Gollum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin gets sick (well, that's what he tells everyone) and Arthur drives him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Morgause is nice in this AU; don't worry, she's not gonna turn on Merlin at some point in the fic.

“Merlin, where do you think you’re going?” Gaius looked up from his book and shot him a warning gaze. “If I remember right, your wet laundry’s still in the laundromat.”

The young man nodded and grabbed his red neckerchief from the coat hook. “I’ll hang it up when I get back, Gaius. Morgana has organized a film night and I’m invited.” He was beaming with joy and Gaius’ features smoothened immediately.

“Oh, of course, don’t let me stop you,” he shouted joyfully and waved him goodbye.

* * *

 

He kept to the well-lit streets, but his heart was still racing. Every time someone put their hands in their pockets, he flinched and quickened his pace.

Luckily, Morgana’s place was only a 20 minute walk. She lived in a big flat on the ground floor of a tall building. Surely, the money had come from Uther.

He pressed the doorbell and Morgause opened.  
    “Oh, you’re early, come in,” she greeted with a warm smile and closed the door behind him.

Merlin couldn’t help but to marvel at the flat. The kitchen was right next to the giant living room, only separated through a wooden counter. They had _three_ couches, each one in a different colour, and a flat screen on the wall. So that’s why they were doing the “party” here.

“It's really nice here,” Merlin said, but he felt like the compliment didn’t do this view credit. It looked like a film star lived here.

Morgana tickled his neck from behind and hugged him when he turned around. “It’s so nice to see you, Merlin!” she giggled and handed him a bowl of crisps.

He raised his eyebrows in confusion and turned to her girlfriend for answers. She grinned and mouthed, ‘She’s drunk’ and then said, aloud, “Give me the crisps, will ya? I’ll put them on the table.”

When she extended her arm to take it, the sleeve of her shirt fell back and Merlin noticed white, slender bumps on her wrist. His heart skipped a beat and he froze with the bowl still clamped in his hands.

Morgause noticed his stare and lowered her arm. He felt irrational panic rise in his chest and stumbled backwards, only to bump into Morgana.

The two looked at each other knowingly and Morgause took a step towards him. He raised his gaze when she softly laid her hand on his while setting the dish on the table.

With the other hand, she rubbed his shoulder and said in a calm voice, “It’s alright, Merlin. I’m not doing it anymore, and neither is Morgana. We’re both fine, you don’t have to worry.”

Merlin fought to control his emotions, feeling tears welling behind his eyes. But instead of crying, he smiled robotically and nodded, feigning relief.  
    The doorbell saved him.

“Arthur! Gwaine!” he heard Morgana’s cheerful voice and hurried to the door to greet the two visitors.

Arthur hugged Merlin tightly and said, “So glad you could make it,” and Gwaine beamed with joy when he spotted him.

“Merlin? Arthur didn’t say you were coming!” he laughed and pulled him into a short embrace.

Merlin was surprised by their brio and felt a warmth spread in his stomach. ‘I’ve _actually_ got friends,’ he thought to himself and blushed with joy.

* * *

 

Gwaine was already tipsy when Frodo and Sam met Gollum and laughed about something with Morgana. Morgause stared intently at the screen – she’d never seen the films before.

“Hey, Merlin, can I ask you something?” Arthur cursed himself for the slight shaking of his voice and his reddening cheeks. _Man up, for fuck’s sake! You’re 25!_ Luckily, Merlin didn’t notice any of this and nodded briefly, eyes still fixed on the television.

“Why did you move to London? You lived in Ealdor before, right? It’s a nice place, why did you leave?”

Merlin’s eyes fell on the ground and his expression darkened for a second, before he caught himself and replied, “For work, I guess. Plus, I don’t have to pay rent because I live with my uncle.” – “Ah, yes, Gaius.”

Merlin nodded again and stuffed his mouth with marshmallows. He scratched something on his chest, probably a mosquito bite. Something felt odd to Arthur, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it, so he ignored the feeling and turned towards Frodo again.

Merlin was amazed at how easily the lie had slipped past his lips. Arthur didn’t doubt it for a second.

Their knees touched for a split second when he changed his position and he saw a smile tugging at Arthur’s lips. And that was when the penny dropped.

How he always sat next to him when he had the chance. The way he looked at him when he was talking and laughed at every one of his jokes.

_He fancies me._

Merlin felt as though a bucket of ice had been poured over his head. But… they’d only known each other for a couple of days! He had to be wrong, he _had_ to be. He blanched and rose from the couch.

Gwaine interrupted his joke and asked worryingly, “Mate, are you okay?”  
    Merlin asked for the bathroom and stumbled in the direction Morgana pointed.

They all looked at each other. “He was pale; do you think he’s sick?” Gwaine asked silently, so that he couldn’t hear them talking.

“I’ll go after him,” declared Arthur and followed the hallway around the corner to the toilet. He knocked on the door and waited.

“Yes?” Merlin asked in a trembling voice. He heard Arthur asking him what was going on and wiped the vomit from his mouth. He couldn’t stay here.

When he felt steady enough to walk, he opened the door. “I think I’m getting sick,” he said. Arthur creased his forehead. “I’ll drive you home.”

Merlin’s heart started to beat faster and he wanted to protest, but he was too tired and too dizzy.

After Gwaine had helped him into the back of his car, he threw Arthur the keys and ruffled his new friend’s hair. “Don’t puke all over the seats, alright?”

* * *

 

The drive only lasted two minutes. They both stayed silent all the way, but when they arrived at the pharmacy, Arthur stopped the car and turned around. He fumbled with his words, before pressing out a soft “I’m sorry.”

Merlin stared at him with wide eyes. “Why are you apologizing?”

“Do you think I didn’t notice how you looked at me after- well, after our legs touched? I thought you swung the same way as me. I’m sorry if I confused you.”

Guilt washed over Merlin. ‘He thinks it’s his fault,’ he thought and quickly exclaimed, “No, I’m the one who should be sorry, I just… I wasn’t…” He found himself stammering and fidgeting with the lock of his seatbelt.

“Hey, calm down,” Arthur soothed and grabbed his hand gently, caressing its with his thumb, “you have nothing to be afraid of. I won’t push you. But if you _would_ like to get to know me better… let’s say, tomorrow, eight pm in the _Martino’s_?”

“I don’t know. I'll have to sleep over this,” Merlin said, trying to keep his voice calm. Then, finally, he managed to open the cap and exited the car as fast as he could.

He didn’t turn around when he heard the car leave the driveway and unlocked the door on the third attempt. He was overwhelmed with emotions; _he wasn’t ready, he needed someone to love him, he was betraying Freya, he_ wanted _Arthur…_

“Gaius,” he cried and fell into the arms of his worried uncle, “please tell me, what am I going to do?!”


	7. Freya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin makes an important decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW self harm

Merlin stared into the yellow flames of the fireplace; the heat had dried his tears, leaving a thin salty deposit on his cheeks.

Gaius had gone to bed hours ago, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up. After he had finished his story, sobbing and sniffing, Gaius had pulled him into a tight, long embrace, whispering, “Oh, my poor boy,” over and over again.

The had followed his advice; _Arthur is a lovely young man. You’ve had boyfriends in the past, haven't you? Maybe it is time to move on. You aren’t betraying Freya, you’re just looking out for yourself. You need someone, Merlin. You need someone. She would want this and you know it. Please, Merlin._

_Please._

And when no response came from Merlin, he hugged him once again, rubbing his back and leaving him to his decision.

He was torn. Arthur was nice, and the thought of being alone certainly wasn’t. But even after everything Gaius had told him, he still felt like he was betraying her. He felt guilty every time he remembered her, because then he noticed that he hadn’t been thinking about her the minute before.

His hands clutched his knees tightly. It was almost like he could see her face in the fire, the flames licking her cheeks. He reached towards her beautiful lips, but the burning heat kept him from reaching in too far.

“Freya, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, “I knew we shouldn’t go that way, I _knew_ …” His voice was cut off by his sobs.

 _Ding._ He had gotten a text.

‘Who texts at 3am in the morning?’ he wondered and looked at the screen of his phone.

**Gwen (Work): OMG Merlin, I nearly forgot cuz it’s the weekend and all, but you’ll have to come into work earlier at monday, k? xx G**

**Merlin: Jc, why are you still awake?**

**Gwen (Work): Why are YOU? Haha. I had sex**

**Gwen (Work): Merlin? I was kidding!**

**Merlin: Sry, I gotta go to bed, thx for the info, cu on monday then**

**Gwen (Work): Did I upset you??**

**Merlin: No, of course not! I’m just really tired**

His fingers were shaking and he activated flight mode. He wasn’t in the mood for chatting. And he really _was_ tired.

He got on his feet, grabbing the couch for support, and carefully walked towards the stairs. He could feel the memories lingering in the back of his head, but he didn’t dare to release them yet. He had to make it into his bedroom first.

The dim white light of his bedside lamp laid a silver shimmer over his bed and desk. He pulled off his jumper, shirt and trousers and sat down on the edge of his bed.

The scars gleamed white and pink, daring him to indulge in his addiction, but he refused. ‘Soon,’ he comforted his restless mind.

 _Freya stood by the piano._  
_“We should buy one! I used to play,” she said and pressed down a few keys._

 _But they both knew it would stay a dream. These things were way too expensive for anyone with normal income. But there was a tiny guitar,_ a ukulele _, explained Freya, which they purchased._

 _He tried to play a few chords and actually got pretty decent at it. He played_ Sweet Home Alabama _and_ House of the Rising Sun _and Freya tried to sing to it, but she just didn’t hit the notes quite right and they always ended up laughing and fooling around._

_Until one day, he accidentally dropped the fragile instrument from the balcony during an especially hilarious evening and it shattered into a thousand pieces._

_“Shame,” Freya had said, but they hadn’t been too sad. They got a cat after that._

Merlin gasped and released the covers he had been pressing against his closed eyes to soak up the tears.

A whimper escaped his throat and he stumbled to his desk, opened the drawer and pulled out a small wooden box from under several blank sheets of paper.

The sharp metal piece was embedded in red silk – originally the box had contained Freya’s wedding ring. But that was now lying somewhere under a pile of rubbish, refusing to burn. Gaius didn’t know he’d thrown it away, but if he did, he’d probably search far and wide for it.

His trembling fingers nearly dropped the blade before he finally set it to his thigh. He used to have a cycle of where he would cut, so the gashes had time to heal before he was at the same place again. At least, that had been the original idea. That had been when he used to cut about once a week. When it got more frequent, he abandoned the idea.

 _Thigh, hip, stomach, chest, arm, wrist_. It was like an endless spinning poem, forever carved in his brain. He used to mumble it when he was nervous but when he got stares, he soon stopped.

Now he was repeating it over and over again. No one could judge him in his own bedroom.

“Thigh.” He flinched at the pain.

“Hip.” Tiny droplets of blood formed on the edges of the white cut.

“Stomach.” He slit again. The stinging didn’t matter.

“Chest.” The drops started rolling down his pale skin.

“Arm.” He dragged the blade across his leg again. And again.

“Wrist.” The scarlet started pooling on his foot.

When he finally went to sleep, he’d cleaned up the blood on the ground but he could feel it staining his bed sheets.

* * *

 

“I'm meeting him tonight,” Merlin told Gaius while munching on his cereal.

He didn’t know when he’d made this decision and he was scared to death, but he had to. He was so _lonely_.

“I’m pleased,” his uncle said with a wide smile. “Just, take care, please. Let a cab take you there.”


	8. Galahad Street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date goes well, until Merlin gets reminded of Freya.  
> Arthur is disappointed and Merlin is crying.

His cab driver attempted to make conversation, but Merlin was too nervous answer properly. This was a terrible, _terrible_ decision. Why did he think he could pull this off?

“Fuck,” he thought, until he realised he’d said it out loud.  
    “What is it, mate? Fancy turning around?” the man behind the wheel asked and turned around for a second to check on him.

Merlin froze. He could just tell him to drive somewhere else. It would be so easy.  
    “No, it’s aright,” he said begrudgingly. Luckily, the driver didn’t pry, because he was sure, if the cabbie would’ve started questioning his decision, he surely would’ve told him to drive far away.

 _Martino’s_ was a small pizzeria on Galahad Street – affordable, clean and well-lit. Merlin breathed a sigh of relief. This wasn’t too bad.

He knew he was early – it was ten to eight – but he could already make out Arthur’s blond hair in the nearly empty eatery. Gathering all his courage, he opened the door and stepped into the room.

Arthur looked up and a smile stretched upon his lips. _He’s really come_. His heart started pounding faster and he blushed. A date. An actual _date_.

“Uhm, hi.” Merlin stood awkwardly in front of the table, not sure whether to hug him or shake his hand. Thankfully, Arthur made the decision; he rose and pulled him into his arms.

“Merlin, I can’t believe you actually came!” he exclaimed in delight. Merlin blushed and sat down.  
    “Me neither,” he joked. Well, it wasn’t actually much of a joke but he didn’t have to know that.

“I’ve ordered us some red wine, is that alright?” Arthur handed him the menu card and looked at him eagerly. He nodded. He didn’t really like wine, but he didn’t want to bother his counterpart with that.

“Have you had a nice Saturday?” Arthur enquired while studying the specified dishes.  
    “Very nice, thank you. I had a lie-in till one and spent the rest of the day cleaning the pharmacy,” Merlin replied with a smile.

For some reason, the other one found that to be funny and laughed. “That’s a nice day for you? _Cleaning_?” he asked baffled.   
    Merlin blushed instantly and his eyes darted back to the menu again. “I guess so.”

“What else do you like? I mean, I only see you at lunch, so we barely know each other, right?” – “I... don’t know… I like books and films – especially fantasy – like Lord of the Rings. And, uhm, baking. I like baking.” Then, he remembered something. “I can play the ukulele a bit.”

This sentence was supposed to hurt and Merlin shielded himself for the pain to come, but nothing happened. Arthur drowned the memories with his gorgeous blue eyes and lively laugh.

“Well that’s something, isn’t it?” he smirked and started telling Merlin about himself without him even asking him to do so.

He told him about his obsessive father, who wanted him to take over Camelot one day, his sister and her girlfriend, about the pet birds he used to own as a kid…

Merlin liked listening to him, losing himself completely in his words, his voice and his laugh. Arthur was _beautiful_. Why hadn’t he noticed so before?

The evening flew by. They only realized that it was midnight when the waiter impatiently asked them to leave.

And it was only when Arthur suggested to take a stroll through the park that Merlin realized where they were – the sky was black, no one was on the streets but them and the street lights shone their dim orange light onto the pavement.

Suddenly, he was walking with Freya by his side again. He flinched and stopped in his tracks. Arthur made a few steps before noticing the lack of Merlin next to him and turned around with slight concern on his face.

“I’m – I’m really tired, I should get going.” Merlin’s words were shaky, but he hoped his companion didn’t notice.

Arthur furrowed his brows and studied Merlin’s face. There was definite fear in his eyes and his lips were trembling.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked and grabbed his shoulder. It was like a switch had clicked. One second he was laughing and talking about his mother Hunith, the next it was like someone was holding a gun to his head.

Merlin nodded and pulled free. “See you on Monday?”

Arthur was taken aback. “Just like that?” he asked, deeply disappointed. “We are having such a good time, and you’re just gonna leave?”

Merlin shrugged, finally getting his mask under control. “I told you, I’m exhausted.”

Arthur deflated. Maybe he wasn’t that interested in him after all.  
    “I’m not holding you back, then.” When he couldn’t help but sound crestfallen, he saw guilt creep on Merlin’s face.

“You’re right, it was very nice,” he finally said and was even able to fake a wide grin.

“We’re doing that again, then?” Arthur asked hopeful.

“I wouldn’t mind.” – “Do you want to come to my place on Monday after work? It’s so close to yours after all!”

Merlin frowned and studied the floor. “I don’t know.”

They hugged, Merlin waited for a cab to drive by and Arthur walked on to get drunk in some bar.

As soon as he had turned around the corner, Merlin let himself fall against a wall, breathing unevenly. His head was a mess.

_‘You’re betraying her!’ – ‘You should’ve shown more interest!’ – ‘What is he going to think?!’ – ‘YOU’RE BETRAYING HER!’_

He was crying again, his sobs echoing from the cold stone walls, ragged breaths escaping his throat. He pulled his hair, clutched his temples, but his thoughts were like a spiral – going down, down, down, into the deepest and darkest abyss of his soul.

_‘Maybe you should just go to a bridge and jump over the edge. Do you think she would forgive you then?’_

That was the point when he pulled out his phone.

* * *

 

“I told you, you shouldn't leave it in for another five minutes, I _told_ you!” Gwen stared at the burnt cake with deep creases in her forehead and shook her head.

“Yes, you did,” Lancelot wiped the sweat from his forehead and sighed. “Fucking waste.”

His girlfriend smiled at him cheekily. “Maybe I will forgive you, if you…” But before she could end her sentence, Lancelot’s phone buzzed.

“Who the _hell_ calls at half twelve?” she scoffed. “Just ignore it.”

Lancelot looked at the screen and froze. **Merlin calling…** it said.  
    “I’m sorry, I gotta take this,” he said, worry straining his voice.

Gwen immediately sobered and asked, “What is it?” He hadn’t told her anything about what had happened in the bathroom yesterday, but he also didn’t leave the room for the phone call.

“Merlin?”

“Lancelot?” He could hear that he was crying.

“Where are you?” Lancelot started to get increasingly scared. What if he was going to do something stupid? Or worse, _what if he’d already done it_?

“G-Galahad street, the _Martino’s_. Please, pick me up, L-Lance.” The man was talking so quietly, his words interrupted by sobs, that it was hard to understand him.

“Alright, just stay where you are!” No response. “Merlin?!” Lance cried, a tight knot of horror in his throat. Gwen’s hand flew to her mouth and she moved her ear closer to the phone to listen to the conversation.

“I-I’m s-sorry, please hurry” he could hear him.

“Of course, just stay on the-“ But Merlin had already hung up.

“Fuck,” he muttered and grabbed his car keys; he was a bundle of nerves. Gwen had tears in her eyes.

“What’s going on? What’s wrong with him?” she asked but he wordlessly grabbed her by hand and pulled her into the car.

“I don’t have time to explain. I’ll drive, you need to call him and _keep him on the phone_!” He was shouting now, panic boiling up in his stomach. His hands trembled when he turned the keys.

He could hear Gwen frantically fumbling with her phone when he turned the vehicle around and drove towards the centre of the city.

“He’s not picking up!” she exclaimed. “Lance, you _need_ to explain-“

He brought the car to a sudden halt at a red light. “He’s not well. I’m scared he might do… something,” he pressed between gritted teeth.

“Oh my god,” Gwen whispered. She tried calling again, and again after that, but Merlin didn’t answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to end on a cliffhanger, but I'll update soon!


	9. The Bridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin stands on top a bridge, looking down at the cars driving by below him.
> 
>  _JUMP!_ scream the voices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for suicidal topics!
> 
> Also, the POV changes are unannounced and rapid oops

Every time they heard a siren in the distance, Lancelot’s hands clutched the steering wheel tighter. Gwen had stopped trying to reach their friend on the phone, he wasn’t picking up anyway.

“Just five more minutes, just five more minutes,” he whispered as he pressed his foot on the gas pedal.

Merlin was sitting on the cold pavement, hugging his legs. He had given up on trying to avoid the memories and the screaming voices in the back of his head.

He knew what it was he needed right now – and it wasn’t a friend.

It was blood.

Slowly getting on his feet, he scanned his surroundings. Now and then, a car passed him but no one bothered to stop. He probably looked like a tramp.

_Lancelot isn’t coming, why else do you think he’s taking so long? Why would he care? Care about YOU?_

_No, he is, I’ll just have to wait a bit longer, just a few minutes…_

_He wouldn’t care. Arthur wouldn’t care. No one cares!_

He stumbled forwards and left Galahad street. He had no idea where he was actually heading, he didn’t know this part of the city – he was guided only by sadness and fear.

The street was completely empty. Gwen and Lancelot jumped out of the car, desperately turning left and right in search of Merlin.

“There! The _Martino’s_!” Gwen shouted and ran towards a small restaurant at the end of the street.

It had already been closed for about an hour, but a waiter was still inside, cleaning the tables and stacking the chairs on top of them. He shook his head when they knocked on the door.

“Please!” shouted Lancelot, “We’re looking for someone, it’s an emergency!”

If it had been Gwen’s tears or the worry clearly written all over Lancelot’s face – it didn’t matter. When the waiter finally opened the door, he could’ve kissed him. Like a proper, actual kiss. 

“A friend of ours was here tonight, black hair, blue eyes, probably wearing a red neckerchief…” – “Yes, he was here with his boyfriend. The left about an hour ago.”

Lancelot blinked confused. “Boyfriend?”

“Yeah, blond guy, muscular, blue eyes – I think. They walked down the road together. I don’t think you have to be worried though, they both looked very happy…”

He turned to Gwen, “Could that have been Arthur?”  
    She furrowed her brows. “Maybe. Arthur was always looking at him, but I don’t know if Merlin…”

But before she could finish her sentence, he’d already dialled.

Arthur was almost home when his phone rang. He had initially wanted to get wasted and forget about the awful end of his date, but then he’d decided to go home and sleep instead. He was too tired to get drunk.

 **Da man Lance calling…** his phone said. Lancelot had saved himself in his contacts.  Obviously.

“Wow, dude, that’s no time to call,” he said and couldn’t supress a yawn.

His friend sounded distressed. “Have you been with Merlin tonight? At the _Martino’s_?”

 _How the hell does he know that?_ Arthur considered lying, but then he decided otherwise.

“Yeah, but that’s none of your business.” He started to get a bit worried when Lance didn’t even try to snap back.

“Do you know where he went? No, wait, of course you don’t. GODDAMNIT!”

Arthur flinched and held the phone away from his ear. “Why, what’s wrong?”

Lancelot ignored his question. “How was he? I mean, did he seem, like, weird?”

He shrugged, “Towards the end, yeah. I don’t think he likes me very much…”

“And you just _left_?!” Lancelot yelled. He could hear Gwen’s voice shout something in the background and his worry increased.

“Lancelot, what happened? Is he alright?” he asked, a tight knot of fear in his throat. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer.

But Lancelot made the decision for him. “I gotta go,” he said and hung up.

Arthur was left in a silence he didn't known he hated so much until now. He stared up and down the alley for anyone who looked like Merlin, but there was no one.

He tried Lance’s number again, then Gwen’s, and finally even Merlin’s, but not one of them picked up. This all felt wrong, _very_ wrong. That was when he turned on his heels and ran back the way he came from.

There it was. A tall bridge, leading pedestrians over a motorway. Merlin stumbled up the stairs and looked over the edge. He’d never been afraid of heights, but now the view made his stomach turn. He was scared.

For a long time, he just stood there, arms lazily hanging over the barrier. Some teenagers walked past him, laughing and squealing. He ignored them. 

“We have to split up,” Gwen said, “cover more ground. I know a park near here, maybe he went there. You go left, okay?” She squeezed his arm, “We’ll find him, Lance.” It sounded like she was trying to convince herself, too.

Minutes went by where they both wandered around, calling out Merlin’s name, looking behind every dumpster and and inside every bar.

Lancelot’s voice was hoarse from shouting and his legs felt like they were on fire, but he didn’t dare to stop. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he rested.

There was a wide road and a bridge that led over it. He almost walked past it, when he looked up for just a second and saw Merlin. His friend was standing right at the fence, staring down at the cars and cabs that raced by.

“Thank god,” he whispered. The whole weight of Big Ben had just been lifted from his chest.

He darted up the stairs, stopping a few meters before him.  
    “Merlin?” he asked hesitantly, afraid any wrong move could cause him to jump, and when no answer came, he said again, louder, ”Merlin!”

Someone called his name. ' _Runrunrun,'_  screamed the voices but he fought them, because he recognised the voice.

Lancelot grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.  
    “Merlin, you’re a bit too close to the edge,” he said, his voice soft but full of fear.

He wanted to tell him that he wasn’t going to jump, that his phone call had been a mistake, but it was like someone had cut his vocal chords. He opened his mouth but no matter how hard he tried, there was no sound coming out except for a quiet whimper.

Lancelot put his mobile back into his pocket – he had to write Gwen to let her know where they were – and tried to meet Merlin’s gaze, which turned out to be impossible. His eyes were fixed on something that wasn’t there. He was staring right through him.

‘Shit, not this again,’ he thought desperately and prepared himself for what he had to do.  
    But before he could lift his hand, Merlin’s voice finally returned.

“I don’t want to jump.”

The tone he’d said these words in sent chills down his spine. He was puling like a wounded animal, like something had been forcing him to go to such lengths.

“You don’t havr to,” Lancelot replied, carefully pondering every word not to lose Merlin’s attention again.

Merlin started sobbing.

“Did something happen with Arthur?” he asked.

Merlin let out a scream of frustration. “I fucked it up! I let Freya come between us!” He winced at his own words. “I _wanted_ her to come between us.”

“Arthur thinks you don’t like him very much,” Lancelot explained while stroking Merlin’s arm, “He thinks it’s his fault that you were so upset. Maybe you need to tell him, what-“

“No!” Merlin screamed and frantically pulled himself free, taking a step back from his friend. “He can’t know, Lance! He can _never_ -“

“Merlin, relax, I wasn’t going to make you tell him everything. Just… maybe tell him about Freya. That’s it’s difficult for you right now. He’ll understand.”

His disgusted gaze surprised him. “You have no idea what it’s like! My head is screaming, my skin is crawling and all I can think of is her, every single minute of the day! If I could just touch her one more time, Lance, _one more time_ … How would _you_ feel if Gwen was thinking about someone else all the time?”

Tears of helplessness and frustration were glimmering in Lancelot’s eyes. Merlin was suffering, right in front of him, and he had _no idea_ what to do.

“Let’s go home,” he eventually said. Merlin was too tired to argue and let himself get pulled down the bridge and towards Galahad Street. He was stumbling more than walking. After a few minutes, he released Lancelot’s hand and stopped walking.

“What is it?”

“Lance, I’m really sorry for what I’ve said at the bridge… I wasn’t thinking, I thought if I just-“

 _Why is he apologizing?_ “It’s no problem. You’re right, I have no idea what you’re going through.” Merlin's next words were a mere whisper. “Thanks for coming. I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

Gwen breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the two men turn into Galahad Street. She ran towards them and hugged Merlin tightly. “Gwen? What’re you doing here?” Merlin asked, his words muffled by her hair. He was so surprised that completely forgot to hug back.

“Oh Merlin, I was so worried,” she cried, cupping his face in her hands and inspecting it. “I thought you… I mean, what if you…” She didn’t finish either of the sentences but her words hung in the air.

“He wasn’t doing anything, Gwen, he was just a bit… lost,” Lancelot lied and Merlin was glad about that. He didn’t really want her to know what had really happened, she would worry too much.

“Let’s just get you home,” she suggested and he nodded relieved.

Even if he couldn’t quite believe it himself, Gwen and Lance had helped the grief to shrink into the back of his mind again.


	10. The Secrets He Keeps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaius teaches Merlin something important and Arthur visits him.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever run so fast.’ Arthur was so out of breath when he arrived on Galahad Street that it felt like his throat was on fire.

He rested his hands on his knees, wheezing, scanning the street for Merlin, Lance or Gwen.

And really, at the very end of the road, Gwen just got into a car.  
    “GWEN!” he shouted, his voice still hoarse from running. She turned around and her eyes widened in shock. She closed the door, still standing outside the car, and waved hesitantly.

“Arthur, what are you…” Someone told her something through the closed window and she nodded. He noticed her sad expression and panic churned in his chest.

“What happened? Is he alright?” he asked with fear in his voice and tried to walk past her, but she held him back by his shirt.

“Arthur, stop! He’s fine, but he drunk-dialled Lance, so we came here to uh… pick him up.”  
    He crossed his arms in front of his chest and raised his eyebrows. Lance’s panicked voice still echoed in his head. She was lying.

“Yeah right,” he snapped. “What really happened?”  
    Gwen seemed offended. “That _is_ what happened. It’s really lovely of you to come here, but I think we can handle a lanky drunk man.” And with these words, she turned around, entered the car and drove off, leaving a baffled and angry Arthur on the street.

“Merlin, that wasn’t very nice,” she said in a reprehensive voice “telling me to leave him there.” – “Well, you told him I was _drunk_ , which wasn’t very nice either…”

“Girls, stop fighting!” Lancelot said and turned to Merlin, “She’s right, he surely is confused now. And he knows where you live, so he’ll probably come by tomorrow.”

Merlin threw his hands up in irritation. “I didn’t think it through, alright? I just don’t want him to…”

Gwen sighed. “Yes, Merlin, I know. Just promise me one thing; if you two get together, you _will_ tell him. For his good as well as yours.”

“I don’t know yet.” – “Merlin!” – “Alright, alright, fine! I promise!”

* * *

 

Gaius had already gone to bed when Merlin unlocked the door as quietly as possible. He could hear his snoring from the adjoining room and couldn’t a help a tiny smile.

But his face soon fell when the events of tonight came crashing down on him like an acid cloud.

_God fucking damnit._

This had gone about as bad as it could have. Worst case scenario, right there. He was so angry with himself that he could have shattered every single plate on the floor, but his common sense kept him from waking up Gaius.

Why did Arthur have to come?! Why couldn’t he have just gone to bed like a normal person?

_“He really cares, Merlin. We all do,” Lancelot said, pulling Merlin into a goodbye hug. “You can come to us anytime. Calling me today was good idea, tell your brain that.” He shuddered, probably at the thought of Merlin’s broken body on the motorway, blood pooling around him._

Merlin shook the new memory from his head and went upstairs, a constant battle between _They care_ and _They don’t give a shit_ in his mind. His hands trembled when he picked up the toothbrush.

‘Arthur can’t know. I would disgust him. He would leave me.’

He was beautiful and lovely and Merlin felt all warm and fuzzy around him, but he was no match for Freya. It was impossible for the blond Pendragon to fight that competition.

* * *

 

_“Thank god, you’re awake!” His Mother’s long brown hair tickled his neck and blocked his view as soon as he opened his eyes. He wanted to say something, but his tongue was stuck on some sort of tube in his throat._

_Soon, a doctor appeared and relieved him from the foreign body that had helped him to breath when he was unable to do it on his own._

_“-at happn’d?” he croaked and looked around the white hospital room. There was beeping everywhere and a lot of cables and tubes attached to him._

_“Oh, Merlin, they said you wouldn’t make it…” his mother cried and hugged him again tightly. An intense pain shot through every fibre of his body and he couldn’t help a scream._

_“I’m sorry,” she whispered and sat back immediately. The memories slowly started to come back to him._

_“I don’t understand… I was shot!” he suddenly yelled and lifted his shirt. Right there, on his alabaster-white skin, was a beige bandage tightly wrapped around his whole chest._

_His eyes spun frantically around the room, looking for his girlfriend. “Where’s Freya?”_

Merlin woke with a start, a scream trapped in his throat, his body drenched in sweat. He could still feel the cold pain in his chest and the warm blood on his stomach. He looked around, taking in the familiar surroundings of his dimly lit bedroom and calmed down as the comforting familiarity set in.

Gaius stormed into the room, looking at Merlin’s tearstained face with a worried, “Oh, my boy.” He pulled his nephew into a comforting embrace and let him cry it all out on his shoulder.

“I’m s-sorry for w-waking you,” he hiccupped.  
    “There is absolutely no need to apologize. Believe me when I say, I know what losing someone feels like,” he soothed and rubbed Merlin’s back.

They drank a cup of valerian root tea and sat in silence, until Gaius finally asked the question that had occupied his mind since he’d woken up.

“How was your evening with Arthur?” He saw Merlin’s hands clamp around the mug and sighed. “Not good then?” he asked.

Merlin decided not to tell him about the bridge and stuck to the first half of the story.  
    “We had a great evening, until I remembered Freya and sent him away. He thinks I don’t really like him,” he said in a sad voice, “because, of course, he didn’t know why I was so upset.”

“Maybe you should tell him what happened,” Gaius repeated the words Merlin was so sick of hearing.

“I can’t, Gaius. He cannot know.” – “Merlin, I understand your train of thought. You think he won’t feel loved enough if you still love someone else, but you are wrong. Imagine _him_ telling _you_ the same story – would you send him away?”

Merlin looked up with tears of relief in his eyes and shook his head.  
    “Thank you, Gaius,” he whispered.

_He’ll still hate you. Have you seen your scars and cuts? He’ll run, Merlin, HE’LL RUN!_

“I think I’d better get to bed again,” Merlin said in a quiet voice, trying to get rid of the voice that had risen in the back of his head once again.

* * *

 

Sunday passed like a viscid iquid. Merlin was reading a book, but it bored him and he kept going over the same paragraph again and again, because his thoughts trailed off away as soon as he’d gotten to the third word.

The doorbell rang and he flinched. “If it’s Arthur, tell him I’m not here,” he told Gaius, but the elderly man just shook his head, amused.  
    “No, you are going to talk to him.” – “Gaius, _please_!” But it was too late; he was already at the door.

“Oh, hello Arthur!” Merlin heard from the hallway and his blood froze in his veins. “No, no, of course not, come in! I’ll just be downstairs, uhm, working…”

Arthur stepped into the living room, spotting a fairly nervous Merlin on the couch trying to hide behind _David Copperfield_.

He didn’t dare to just sit down, so instead he warily took the book from Merlin’s hands.  
    “Hey,” he said, but the young man avoided his gaze. Arthur could clearly sense the chasm that the evening had left between them.

But then, finally, he spoke. “Hi,” then, “please, sit down.”

“Merlin, look, I’m really sorry about yesterday. I mean, I’m not quite sure what I did, but-“ – “It wasn’t your fault, Arthur. I’m the one who should be sorry.”

Arthur raised an eyebrow. “What happened anyway? Why did you call Lance? What upset you so much?” He paused, getting pissed off. “ _After our date_? How the fuck am I supposed to believe that it _wasn’t_ because of me?”

Merlin frowned and looked so guilty that he instantly regretted his outburst.

“Geez, I’m sorry,” he mumbled and hesitantly put his hand on his. When Merlin made no attempt to pull away, he asked, “Merlin, what’s wrong? You weren’t drunk yesterday, were you?”

“Uhm, I-I can’t… I don’t… maybe if we…” Merlin spluttered and cleared his throat.

“I need to know the truth.” Arthur hesitated, then gathered all his courage and confessed, “I love you.”

He didn’t expect Merlin to burst into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The passage "Merlin woke with a start (...)" was stolen from (more like inspired by) [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/410015) \- a fanfic I highly recommend by the way.


	11. The Most Beautiful Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur's relationship moves forward.

“…or- or not… Jesus, Merlin, what's wrong?”

When he didn’t stop crying, sobs shaking his body and tears staining his shirt, Arthur hesitantly scooched closer and laid his arm around him. Merlin looked up in shock.

“Why a-are you still h-here?” he spluttered.  
 

“Er… why shouldn’t I be?” Arthur asked, just as confused.

Merlin blushed and studied the ground. Then he, very slowly, leaned closer to him and rested his head on his shoulder. He felt Arthur’s grip tighten around his body and his heart began to flutter.

“Merlin?”

“Yes?”

“Why did you cry?”

Merlin didn’t dare to say a word. He was scared of the truth spilling from his tongue, feared putting his pain into words.

Arthur’s thumb started caressing his upper arm and it was like warmth was spreading from there through his whole body. The tears started flowing again, silently this time, but Arthur still noticed. He turned around and settled himself sidewise on the sofa so that he could look straight him. Then he cupped his face with his hands and thumbed at the wetness on his cheeks.

He didn’t pressure him. He just sat there, rubbing his back and waiting for him to find his voice again.

“I used to have a girlfriend,” Merlin began, surprised at how stable his voice was, “her name was Freya. We were going to get married.” The words were flowing more easily now. He saw Arthur flinch at the words _was_ and _were going to_ , but he did his best to ignore it.

“We got attacked by some bloke and he shot her – he shot us both.”

Arthur frowned, not quite believing what he’d heard. “He shot you both?” he echoed, dumbfounded.

“She didn’t make it,” Merlin whispered, but he wasn’t crying now. For some reason, that was even sadder to Arthur. He'd probably had say this so many times already that he’d become immune to the reaction it was supposed to trigger.

And then, Merlin’s body just went limp in his arms, his eyes staring at nothing. He pulled him fully into his arms and held him so tightly that he was scared he could break every bone in that scrawny body.

“Thank you,” Arthur said, his voice croaky as he was trying to control his emotions, “for telling me, I mean. I get it now.”

Merlin felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted from his chest. Arthur was still here, he hadn’t left him. _Arthur loved him._

He wanted to tell him the same thing, but he couldn’t. So he did what he _was_ able to do – he lifted his arms and hugged back. And Arthur understood.

* * *

 

They stayed like this for over an hour; bodies intertwined, heads resting on each other’s shoulders, a peaceful silence filling the room.

Gaius returned from the pharmacy, smiled at the picture and went into the kitchen to cook a meal for three.

When he called to dinner, Arthur noticed that Merlin had fallen asleep. He gently shook him and said, “Merlin, wake up. Food.”

Merlin’s eyes opened slowly and he let out a loud yawn. “Already?”  
    “What do you mean, already? It’s 8pm!” Arthur laughed and pinched his cheek to force the sleep from his body.

“Ouch, alright, I’m getting up!” he giggled and they sat down at the table.

* * *

 

On Monday, they met outside Arthur’s flat and went to work together. “Can I hold your hand?” Arthur asked carefully, but Merlin shook his head. So the Pendragon grabbed his bag firmer, trying to hide his disappointment.

“Gwaine said that Uther doesn’t know about Morgana’s sexuality. Does he know about yours?” Merlin asked into the silence.

Arthur shifted uncomfortably and shook his head. “He’d probably disinherit and execute me.” Suddenly, he looked very sad. “It’s hard, keeping this secret from him - to know he wouldn’t accept me if he knew the real me.”

Merlin’s heart skipped a beat when he remembered the fresh cuts on his stomach. “I know what you mean,” he replied.

The train was empty as always, but when they arrived at Victoria Station, Merlin’s breathing started to get faster and beads of sweat glimmered on his forehead.  
    ‘Don’t think about the people.’ He forced himself to keep his gaze low and followed Arthur’s boots.

The underground was even more crowded than the hall. Arthur took Merlin’s silence as fatigue at first, but when he asked him something about the cameras and he didn’t answer, he turned around.  
    Merlin looked awful. He was pale and sweating.

“Hold on,” he said and puled him towards a bench, “sit down here. You don’t look too well.” But when he lifted his hand to check for fever, Merlin slapped his arm away.  
    “I’m not sick,” he mumbled.

And that was when Arthur remembered their first ride to work together. Merlin had been the same – pale, breathing heavily and clamping the pole as if he was afraid of something. The look on his face had been the same then, now and on the evening of their date. The pieces started to come together. He wasn’t sick; he was _scared_.

Arthur buried his face in his hands and Merlin knew that he’d realized what was going on.  
    “Come, here Merlin,” he said and guided him into the underground car they had to catch. When they were inside, he grabbed his hand and stroked its back, bringing Merlin's chest close to his own.

“Match your breaths with mine,” he whispered, so that no one than Merlin else could hear him. Merlin followed his order and closed his eyes. Soon, he started to calm down, the fear shrinking back into the far end of his mind where it belonged.

“Thank you,” he whispered back and smiled. A warm feeling spread in his stomach and he asked himself how he deserved such an understanding friend – boyfriend?

* * *

 

At lunch, there were whispers and giggles but no one knew if they were actually dating, not even Lance and Gwen. Merlin felt himself blush when Arthur sat down next to him.

“ _Are_ we boyfriends now?” Arthur whispered and grinned. Merlin looked at him and stuck his tongue out.  
    “Never,” he quipped and grinned back.

Arthur’s smile faded, “But, seriously now.” – “Of course we are, Arthur! If you’d like to, I mean.” Merlin couldn’t believe the words leaving his mouth. His happy expression sobered when the guilt set in.

_How could you? You’re betraying her! YOU’RE BETRAYING HER!_

He swallowed hard and his gaze fell to the ground.  
    “Yes, Merlin, I would like that,” Arthur said, and when he noticed Merlin’s sudden mood shift, he grabbed his hand. “You’re not doing anything wrong. You _know_ she would want you to be happy.”

That pushed the voice back into its corner and Merlin lifted his head to look at Arthur. But before he could say something, Leon exclaimed, “Two hours are over, folks! Time to head back!”

“That means you two lovebirds, too,” Gwaine grinned and Morgana giggled. The couple turned around. Everyone was staring at them with bright smiles and Elyan shouted “Congratulations!”  
    Arthur and Merlin suddenly resembled a pair of tomatoes.

* * *

 

The week went by fairly quickly. Merlin was grateful for Arthur’s assistance on the way to work and back, but he could feel how his boyfriend was getting impatient. He didn’t mean to, of course, but they hadn’t even kissed yet, and they only held hands when Merlin was panicking. It was like a primary school relationship.

So, on Friday evening, Arthur pulled Merlin towards his flat. “Stay with me for the evening,” he suggested as he unlocked the door, “I’ll cook us something nice.”

Merlin hesitated. He still had fresh cuts on his stomach, chest and arms. It was a risk too great for him to take. But on the other hand, he knew he couldn’t hide in his shell forever. There had to be a way around it – he would _always_ have cuts and scars on his body, he needed to figure out how they could have a normal relationship without Arthur finding out about his… addiction. Because in the end, that was what it was.

“Alright,” he gave in and entered the flat.  
    It was just as luxurious as Morgana’s – a giant living room, a well-stocked kitchen, _two_ bathrooms.

“My father paid for it,” Arthur said in an embarrassed tone and scratched the back of his head. “He insists on spoiling me.”

“It’s awesome!” Merlin laughed, dropped his bag on the ground and jumped onto the soft couch. “I’ll just stay here forever, okay?”

Arthur smirked. “I do hope so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! :D
> 
> Jesus Christ, it's _so hot_ here - it was raining every day for a month now (the lake burst its banks and stuff), but now that the sun is back, it's way too humid. I fucking hate summer


	12. Dark Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin sleeps over at Arthur's and secrets get revealed. (Well, not yet, but you'll see.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly shorter one tonight, sorry :)

“Care for some pudding?” Arthur asked and opened the freezer to pull out some chocolate ice cream.

“I’d love to, but I’m _sooo_ full,” Merlin grumbled and rubbed his stomach as if to prove it. “Maybe later?” – “Of course, later.”

They settled on the couch, knee to knee, watching Harry Potter on TV. Arthur couldn’t concentrate on the plot though; all he could feel was the sparkling warmth from where Merlin’s leg touched his. With a sudden rush of boldness, he turned to his boyfriend and stroked his cheek with his hand.

Merlin flinched back, surprised. “Arthur,” he said in a sad voice, “I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”

“Let me try something. Just tell me if it gets too much.” And with these words, Arthur leaned forward. He rested his forehead on Merlin’s, feeling his fast, short breaths on his lips. Then he let their noses touch.

Merlin didn’t say anything, didn’t push him away, so he softly and carefully pressed his lips on the other ones’.

It was a bit like kissing a flame – hot, lively and unpredictable. They leaned in, closer together, smiling into their kiss, getting braver, until they had to gasp for air.

Merlin had blushed when he pulled back, burying his face in his hands – not to cry, but to laugh.

“That was nice,” he said and rested his head on Arthur’s chest.

“There’s an understatement,” he giggled and caressed his partner’s neck. They kissed again, until their lips were scarlet red.

“Stay the night,” Arthur begged and Merlin nodded. But then his expression suddenly turned very sad.

_If he sees your scars, he’ll break up with you._

The voice had started screaming again.

_Freya’s lips only touched his very quickly at first, but when she’d gotten the taste of him, they would kiss all the time. When they woke up, left for work, returned home, ate dinner, did the washing up, went to bed._

He’d started crying – he could see it on Arthur’s face before he even felt the warm tears running down his cheeks.

“Merlin…” he soothed and pulled him into a hug.  
    “I’m getting you all wet.” – “I don’t care.”

* * *

 

He went over two the pharmacy to get his toothbrush and bumped into Gaius.  
    “I am guessing, you’re staying over at Arthur’s,” he smirked and ruffled his hair.

“Indeed,” Merlin shouted over his shoulders as he was running up the stairs. That hadn’t been a good idea, because, next thing he knew, he was running straight into the telephone table in the hallway.

He cried out and bended over, holding his aching hip and stomach.  
    “Merlin, are you alright?” Gaius’ worried voice sounded from the kitchen.  
    “Fine!” he pressed between gritted teeth, “I hit the table.”

* * *

 

He was bleeding. He suddenly noticed it when he followed Arthur into his bedroom. He must’ve opened some of the cuts when he didn’t pay attention at home.

It wasn’t a lot of blood, but you could clearly see the black spots against his blue shirt.  
    “Can I take a shower?” he asked as casually as his panicking mind allowed. Arthur didn’t notice anything and showed him to the second bathroom.

Merlin locked the door behind him and nearly ripped his shirt in half when he pulled it over his head.  
    ‘Don’t freak out,’ he prayed, letting the water run so Arthur couldn’t hear his erratic breaths.

Drops of blood ran down his hip, getting soaked up by his pants. He hastily stripped and jumped into the shower.

‘What do I do?! I can’t sleep in my normal clothes but I also can’t risk to sleep without them, what do I do, what do I do…’ He started crying again, out of sheer despair and helplessness.

“You finished yet?” Arthur knocked impatiently on the door. “Almost done!” he shouted back and slipped back into his clothes. They would just have to do.

Arthur’s eyebrows soared when he opened the door. “You can sleep in your pants, you know. I really don’t mind,” he mocked.  
    “ _I_ do,” Merlin mumbled and got under the covers as quickly as possible.

Arthur tried to make conversation, but Merlin was too tired to properly answer his questions.

“I love you.”

“Love you too, Arth’r.”

“We should go on a double date with my sister and Morgause, what do you think?”

“Mmh, sure.”

“Are you even listening?”

“…yeah.”

“You have smelly feet.”

“Mmmh, that’s nice.”

Arthur chuckled. Merlin was completely asleep now, snoring slightly. He kissed his neck and breathed in his scent. He slid his cold hands under the big blue jumper to warm then on his lover’s stomach.

Suddenly, he felt something wet on his fingers. At first he thought maybe Merlin hadn’t dried himself properly, but then he remembered that he was in his clothes; any water should’ve been soaked up by now.

But he was so tired that chose to ignore it. Probably just sweat.

* * *

 

Merlin was ripped from his dream with a painful scream. He shot up and frantically looked around the room. Where was he? This wasn’t his bed!

The familiarity of his own bedroom usually helped to calm him down after the nightmares, but these strange surroundings just made it worse.

Someone grabbed him; he tried to punch his attacker, but his fists only hit air.

“Merlin, I’m here,” he heard a familiar voice and suddenly realized where he was. Arthur.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry!” he said and covered his face with the blanket. He felt his boyfriend’s arms wrap around him.

“What did you dream about?” Arthur asked while rubbing his back in circular motions. At first, Merlin didn’t want to tell him. But it felt so heavy on his shoulders that he eventually spoke.

“I was in the alleyway again, where I – we were shot, but this time, it was me with the gun. My hands just acted on their own, I couldn’t control them!” He had to pause due to a sob. “And she screamed so much, Arthur, she screamed until I woke up.”

Arthur didn’t respond, he just kept on calming him down, but he could feel his hands shaking slightly and his embrace tensioning.

When Merlin disengaged himself from Arthur, he noticed a dark stain on his right hand and his heart skipped a beat. Arthur followed his gaze and froze.

And then Merlin heard the sentence he feared most in his whole life.

“Is that _blood_?”


	13. Two sides of the same coin

Merlin jerked backwards, panic rising in chest rapidly, his erratic heartbeat being all he could hear.

Arthur just sat there, looking at his boyfriend’s face, and then back at his fingers again. He knew well enough what this meant; Morgana had left the bathtub bloody enough times in their teenage years for him to understand what self harm was.

Merlin was gasping now, clutching his chest.

How long had he been doing this? Why hadn’t he told him?  
    He wanted to jump from the bed, hug him and tell him that everything was going to be alright, but all he could say was, in a stifled voice, “Merlin…”

All the small things he’d always found so weird about Merlin – wearing a jumper even when it was hot because “I’m always cold, prat,”, refusing to go swimming with everybody else, jerking back when Arthur grabbed his arm a bit too roughly… They had all been signs of something bigger, something he should’ve noticed long ago.

“I need to go,” Merlin mumbled and backed out of the bedroom. Arthur jumped up, only for him so shrink backwards. He held his hands up to show him that he wasn’t coming any nearer.

“Please stay, we need to talk about this,” he said in an odd voice. Merlin couldn’t quite make out the emotion behind it but, being sure it was anger, turned on his heels and ran towards the door.

But Arthur was so much faster than him. He  grabbed him by the shoulder, steered him into the living room and sat him down.

“Why is there blood on your stomach?” he asked in a soft voice, hand hovering next to his arm, like he was afraid his touch wouldn’t be welcome anymore.

Merlin started sobbing again, but not because of the question. He felt so guilty for taking up Arthur’s time; he had no idea how he deserved someone so understanding and gentle. 

He realized he’d been repeating “I’m sorry” over and over and quickly covered his mouth with his hands.

“How long…” Arthur didn’t finish the sentence, but Merlin could hear his voice cracking with unshed tears. He hated that he was making him feel this way.

“Since Freya died.” The sentence had slipped past his lips without his permission. He was holding his heart out and was afraid Arthur was going to trample on it.

“Can you show me?” – “Why would you want to see?!” Merlin cried, disgust written all over his face. “I’m ugly! It looks like a thousand dead worms on my body, why the _fuck_ would you want to see _that_?!”

Arthur remained calm. “I love you with all my heart. I love every inch of you. And yes, I brought you here to shag you,“ a smile tugged at the corners of his lips, “and I’d still like to. But I want to know _all_ of you, Merlin, even your darker side.”

Merlin finds himself lost for words. He doesn’t resist when Arthur warily lifts his jumper and shirt to reveal the red gashes on his stomach, and then takes it off completely.

He feels more naked than ever before. He can hear Arthur’s sharp intake of breath but he’s too ashamed to look up. His vision darkens for a moment and he starts breathing erratically again.

“Shhh,” Arthur says and carefully takes his hand, “This won’t change anything. Just… next time, come to me instead, alright?” The penny suddenly drops. “Is that you called Lance on the night of our first date? He knows, doesn’t he?”

Something iron closes around Merlin’s heart. “He found me in the toilet, there wasn’t really any denying it.”

“I’m glad he did.” Then, “I know that you promising me you wouldn’t do it again won’t help you. But I’m asking you to promise me to come to me – or Lance. Okay?”

But Merlin was just shaking. He couldn’t bring himself to get out a word, not after what had just happened. Why was Arthur still so nice?

“I love you, too,” he whispers and closes his eyes, “Can I put my shirt back on, please?”

Arthur flinched at his own ignorance. Merlin must’ve been feeling terrible. “Oh, fuck, I’m sorry,” he said and handed it back to him.

“Are you sure this won’t change anything?” Merlin asks, and Arthur nods.  
    “We all have our flaws, but after all, you’re still the man I know.”

* * *

 

They stayed together. After a year of dating and exactly nineteen distress calls from Merlin, they finally moved in together – Arthur’s flat, of course.

They both found themselves scared and unsure in the beginning. When Arthur found Merlin with blood-caked arms on the bathroom floor one morning, Merlin considered moving out again, but in the end he stayed.

He sometimes gets frozen by the grief that washes over him, or the urge to take the knife he was chopping tomatoes with to his skin, but Arthur’s always there. He rubs his back and kisses him on the cheek until he gets back to reality.

Every Friday, Lance and Gwaine come by to watch football with Arthur and Merlin usually uses this opportunity to visit Gaius.

“You’re like two sides of the same coin,” he remarks one evening and Merlin smiles. He likes the sound of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been quite a ride! Thanks so much for leaving so many nice comments, I'll be sure to write more Merlin related stuff, I promise! The second part of the series is up :)
> 
> I also used that cheap trick of using the title of your work/chapter as the last sentence and I'M NOT ASHAMED.


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